Obscurity : Clarity :: Disatisfaction : Contentment
If I could stop, for just one second, worrying about the things I am doing wrong, I'd get caught up in the world for that second. Lose myself in the rest of the world, and when I get back, I still can't exist flawlessly.
Busy work: Untangling the thoughts and feelings intertwined. Things indescribable.. emotions unnamed. Gut feelings, like a first kiss, or the break up you see coming. Butterflies and ten pound weights, combined with memories and pain.
And I'm as confused as ever, on how I became one of those confusing girls, who can't have honest emotions,.. If I wear them on my sleeve, will I be more or less genuine, or childish?
Trying to make it simple with words put poetically, out of order, but in life I am lost in a maze, thought process, emotion, jumping from one feeling to the next. By now I should understand that's all life is, the transition from love to hate, from happiness to sadness, empathy to apathy, and all the feelings in between. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly going unnoticed.
When confronted, I imagine a stream of words, clear on the first try, honest, and as powerful as any thought I've ever mustered. I simultaneously long for clarity and ferocity. A fervor, impacting those around me; and in such a dream myself exists without boundaries.
The walls I've built, holes I've dug, go back as far as my twenty-three years can count. I'm asking myself the question, whether these things are permanent or just that hard to change?
I've just imagined for years a way to change or cover up the flaws, and the only thing I found was just enough to make me forget on a daily basis. I've forgotten so many times how hard it is to know yourself better than anyone else. To know what no one else knows and push it further and further inside.
In any circumstance I'm only second best to myself and what I know I could be.
Something I just can't ever be.
Until then, another drink, another shrug, waiting for someone to make the first move.. to tell me I'm significant without words..
Words unsaid, emotions felt, and I'm on the verge of of obscurity.