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Tuesday, April 14th, 2009

~ vision.

Subject:Catching up to life
Time:12:38 am.
Obscurity : Clarity :: Disatisfaction : Contentment


If I could stop, for just one second, worrying about the things I am doing wrong, I'd get caught up in the world for that second. Lose myself in the rest of the world, and when I get back, I still can't exist flawlessly.

Busy work: Untangling the thoughts and feelings intertwined. Things indescribable.. emotions unnamed. Gut feelings, like a first kiss, or the break up you see coming. Butterflies and ten pound weights, combined with memories and pain.

And I'm as confused as ever, on how I became one of those confusing girls, who can't have honest emotions,.. If I wear them on my sleeve, will I be more or less genuine, or childish?

Trying to make it simple with words put poetically, out of order, but in life I am lost in a maze, thought process, emotion, jumping from one feeling to the next. By now I should understand that's all life is, the transition from love to hate, from happiness to sadness, empathy to apathy, and all the feelings in between. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly going unnoticed.

When confronted, I imagine a stream of words, clear on the first try, honest, and as powerful as any thought I've ever mustered. I simultaneously long for clarity and ferocity. A fervor, impacting those around me; and in such a dream myself exists without boundaries.

The walls I've built, holes I've dug, go back as far as my twenty-three years can count. I'm asking myself the question, whether these things are permanent or just that hard to change?

I've just imagined for years a way to change or cover up the flaws, and the only thing I found was just enough to make me forget on a daily basis. I've forgotten so many times how hard it is to know yourself better than anyone else. To know what no one else knows and push it further and further inside.

In any circumstance I'm only second best to myself and what I know I could be.

Something I just can't ever be.

Until then, another drink, another shrug, waiting for someone to make the first move.. to tell me I'm significant without words..

Words unsaid, emotions felt, and I'm on the verge of of obscurity.

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

~ vision.

Subject:18 weeks.
Time:8:25 pm.
Mood: bored.
Things in my life are going well. I have a lot of cavities, though. Need to get them fixed. Going to cost me like $1300.. not sure I got that much. In fact, I know I don't got that much. Working on saving up some money... sucks! economy is shitty.

I should quit smoking. I would earn me $1277 in the next year. Enough for all my cavities.. but it might take me a year, by then I might have more. Maybe I need a new job with awesome dental insurance that covers everything....

On the other hand.. I need some hair dye. That'll set me back like $10... another three days without smoking... Also, at my rate of earnings, it will take me 33 years of spending nothing to be a millionaire... I think I gave up a little too early.

Saturday, July 5th, 2008

~ 5 invisible X vision.

Time:10:45 am.
looks like just about no one still uses this thing.. at least not people who actually knew me.

i saw knew because i feel i'm just.. oh you know.. a little different than before. isn't it amazing how people think "personality" is forever? and yet life can turn you into a bitter, jaded person...

or life can give you complete shit and some how you turn your depression into optimism and fuck up just about everything but have more hope than you did before?

so.. anyway. gonna ride downtown..... my aluminum track stallion is tired of being locked up.

Friday, July 4th, 2008

~ 2 invisible X vision.

Time:12:13 am.
i forgot this thing existed.
kind of like when you forget who you are.

you go through some serious phases.
like bein a cokehead hipster party goer
to like
sellin drugs never sleeping shootin coke smoking crack all sorts of fucked up hundred pounds
to a street junkie who lives thinks and breathes heroin
to a functioning addict in community college
to a recovering junkie clean but getting naked for a living and drinking every day
to a smoker who rides a bike ten fifteen twenty sometimes thirty miles a day a fixed gear like all those trendy mother fuckers

so
what next?

Friday, December 1st, 2006

~ 2 invisible X vision.

Subject:Right - Click
Time:5:18 pm.
Four posts in the last year and few months. Hmm. Parallels strangely to the off-kilter arrangement that is my life.

I got about a dollar and five cents in change. I found some under the bed. Literally.

Three days till my 21st birthday.

Monday, May 15th, 2006

~ 5 invisible X vision.

Time:6:49 pm.
To gain some more funds.. here's a few more pieces for sale.

Other pieces for sale!Collapse )

~ 5 invisible X vision.

Time:9:58 am.
HEY EVERBODY!

I AM STILL ALIVE!

I AM BROKE!

WHO WANTS SOME SWEET ARTWORK?

CLICK HERE TO CHECK'EM OUT, YA!Collapse )

Sunday, December 18th, 2005

~ 4 invisible X vision.

Subject:cold
Time:2:27 pm.
it's snowing.

snowing in portland. snowing in the whole valley.

very rare to see snow here, before christmas even. how cute.

i was going to go to an art show but, guess i'm fucked.

Friday, November 4th, 2005

~ 9 invisible X vision.

Subject:LIFE.
Time:11:55 am.
LIFE HAPPENS QUICKLY. One minute you are living in your worst nightmare and you feel half dead for months on end.

I
made
it
out
alive.

Time to piece together all the broken things.

Tuesday, July 19th, 2005

~ 34 invisible X vision.

Time:5:20 pm.

Friday, June 24th, 2005

~ vision.

Time:11:05 am.
douggie
don't
turn off my alarm clock.

Monday, June 20th, 2005

~ 1 invisible X vision.

Subject:so my life
Time:12:37 pm.
is completely insane lately.

i can't even explain it.

Saturday, June 11th, 2005

~ 1 invisible X vision.

Time:3:35 am.
one thing I have learned to accept in life is that..

every shitty thing that gets thrown in your path, that messes up your plans, or fucks with your current state of contentment...
is merely a shove in the right direction.

when i was sixteen and I ran away and thought I could be free, and in return was the least free i'd been since a toddler.. i learned that there is a different k ind of freedom to find in yourself, to find out how to let it, in writing, in communication, in drawings, and all forms of art. and there were a hell of a lot of books for me to read to learn what i thought i'd learn on my own..

when i turned seventeen and i feel in love, innocently, and was blinded. my naivete was broken and i was left exposed. and i learned how to make friends on my own.. sort of.. and not depend entirely on a feeling.

when my parents got divorced, i learned that even the toughest mother needs the support of a daughter. and i learned how important my insite would be to the next two years learning her own kind of independence.

and every little thing I feel shitty about... slowly I realize is just pointing me another direction.

Friday, June 10th, 2005

~ 2 invisible X vision.

Time:12:32 am.
hi
what do you think of this

www.thecontrolled.com/haze

?

too dark?

Tuesday, June 7th, 2005

~ 6 invisible X vision.

Time:8:29 pm.

Wednesday, May 4th, 2005

~ 2 invisible X vision.

Time:12:33 am.
versusfire: i aint got no gas homie
nervous ocean: fart into your tank


--


nervous ocean: i wanna go to sleep
versusfire: take me!
nervous ocean: no way. you'll get a boner.. gross!
versusfire: fuck you amy
versusfire: you love boners
nervous ocean: i am a boner
versusfire: there you go
nervous ocean: two boners cant spoon, thats knifing
versusfire: then let's knife
versusfire: because my boners not going away
nervous ocean: yeah it will, when you lose the sword fight

Monday, May 2nd, 2005

~ 15 invisible X vision.

Subject:where i live now.
Time:10:43 am.

Sunday, May 1st, 2005

~ 1 invisible X vision.

Subject:no.po.
Time:3:40 pm.
I just moved. I'll post a picture of where I live soon. It's pretty.......

Wednesday, April 27th, 2005

~ 3 invisible X vision.

Time:11:56 pm.
i'm sick of taking care of people.. when the fuck does someone take the time to take care of me...

~ 4 invisible X vision.

Time:10:51 pm.
wow rad!

i'm glad you finally found the syringe I hid while I was there, so that it'd take me hiding in my purse, then you running after me while I ran outside to empty it onto the street for me to finally realize what our friendship means... heroin means more to you than I do!

LiveJournal for not so quiet not so stupid.

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